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Home » Gamejutsu

Gamejutsu Lesson #1 – 100 Self Defense Techniques for Gamers

Submitted by on Sunday, 16 November 200810 Comments

Hello fellow students and visitors!  My name is Pwnsan and I’m the level 100 Grandmaster of Gamejutsu.  I created Gamejutsu because it’s a dangerous world out there for us gamers.  Sometimes when your totally owning newbs online at 3a.m. you might get hungry.  You’ll have to venture out IRL away from your warm rig and make a food run.

It’s a rough world nowadays so when you’re out somebody might speak to you, wave, smile, or even ask for directions!  What are you going to do when this happens?  You cannot PAUSE IRL!  I repeat YOU CANNOT PAUSE IRL!  That’s right you will be completely defenseless, because you can’t AFK or log off when this happens to you.  The only thing you can do is curl up in a little ball and pray they don’t like anal.  After your epic failure everyone in your guild will LOL at you because you are a newb in IRL.

You’ll probably be too ashamed to get online again so you’ll end up playing sports, getting a job, losing weight, and dating.  Do you want this to happen to you?  I know you don’t that’s why I created Gamejutsu.  By using daily gaming tools as weapons you can totally become a IRL Elite Champion!  All you need to become a Gamejutsu Master is a mouse and keyboard.  A mouse pad is optional, but recommended to wipe the blood off your mouse and keyboard.  There are many tools in Gamejutsu but those are the basic ones.  Nobody will suspect you are a dangerous killing machine walking around IRL with those items.

There are a total of 20 Gamejutsu lessons.  Each lesson will have five different techniques to master and help protect you IRL.  After completing all 20 Gamejutu lessons and 99 techniques you will be a level 99 “I PWN IRL Master” of Gamejutsu.  The final level of Gamejutsu you will have to earn on your own.  I can’t tell you how, but you’ll know when you become a level 100 Grandmaster of Gamejutsu.  Please use Gamejutsu at your own risk!  It’s extremely powerful and you might 1-2 shot people IRL.  I am not responible for any newbs you hurt because there is no Rez IRL.

Gamejutsu Lesson #1 – Level #1-5

#1 Mouse Leg Sweep – This technique can get you out of a real jam.  By using it you can flee after your target is disabled.  The trick is to get your mouse tightly wrapped around your targets ankle.  Then pull throwing them off balance.  This technique will not work on people in wheelchairs.  All you will do is pull them closer to you.  If they have their wheelcheel brakes on or overweight you will strain your back and cry IRL.

#2 Rising ALT Key – This technique is a defensive move.  You can use it to stop an attack against you.  When you see an incoming attack quickly rise your keyboard to shield your body with both hands.  The attack will hit the keyboard shielding you from IRL damage.  This technique does not work well against guns.  It might work against knives and swords but probably not an axe or mace.  It really all depends on the quality of your keyboard.

#3 Jump Key Smash– This technique will sometimes one shot people IRL.  This attack becomes even stronger if you can jump off something.  Begin this attack by running toward your target and jumping in the air.  Hold your keyboard above you and upon descending smash it against your targets head.  It is a completely un-defendable attack.  However it can be dodged and you can miss because your IRL hit rating is too low.

#4 Esc Key Flee – This technique is another defensive move.  Sometimes a Gamejutsu master doesn’t have the time to fight IRL.  You can use this move when you need to get back to your rig ASAP.  The last thing you want to do is miss out on a raid for phat lewls.  The Esc Key Flee is held together by power supply cables and should be shaped exactly like you.  If somebody tries to attack you yell, “OMGz Jessica Alba is behind you, she’s so hawt IRL!” then drop the clone when they turn to look.  Run away to the safety of your warm rig loling.

#5 Scroll Lock Throw – This technique is extremely deadly.  With lightning speed you will hurl 4 deadly mouses at your target.  The primary attack points are eyes, nose, throat, and balls.  If the target does not have balls aim for the boobies.  The Scroll Lock Throw will cripple your target if preformed correctly.  The only drawback to this technique is they might throw them back at you.  If this happens just protect your most vital points, eyes, nose, throat, and balls.  If you don’t have any balls then protect your boobies.

Well that’s about it for this weeks lesson in the deadly art of Gamejutsu my pupils.  I hope you master all the tier 1 techniques and be prepared for the future lessons to come.  The path to becoming a level 100 Grandmaster of Gamejutsu is a hard one but it’s worth it.  Girls will add you to their friends list IRL and you’ll become a PRO at protecting yourself.

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